


Spare Parts 'Verse

by fogsblue



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Cracky Smut, F/M, Humor, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 17:43:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fogsblue/pseuds/fogsblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time Lords have a very odd quirk in their biology, much to the amazement, amusement and confusion of some of his companions.</p><p>[Full Spare Parts collection]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alonso and Rose

**Author's Note:**

> These ficlets are all the same'verse, which suffers slightly inconsistent continuity. They were inspired by dirty minded people and a lot of alcohol. Pure crack.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose meets an interesting quirk of Time Lord biology and has a strange conversation with Alonso.

 

Rose, had gotten rather frustrated with the Doctor's inability to shut up when they were having sex and decided a little bit of bondage might help. The Doctor was not entirely sure how he ended up tied to the bed and gagged, but he wasn't going to complain. Rose was naked after all

Crawling up his body, looking a little smug, Rose said, "Well, this is an improvement. Maybe now I can take my time sucking you off, cause I won't have to listen to a lecture at the same time."

"Did I ever tell you about the history of fellatio, Rose?"

Rose was rather surprised (to say the least) when she heard a Scottish accent coming from the Doctor's groin. She glanced at the Doctor's penis, then toward his face. She frowned slightly when she noticed him waggling his eyebrows at her.

Rose looked at the Doctor's penis and stared for a moment. Did it just wink at her? "Wha'?" she asked.

"Didn't I mention? I'm Alonso, and Time Lord penises are sentient," the Doctor's penis, Alonso apparently (and didn't that explain a bit), said to Rose.

Still staring at the Doctor’s penis, Rose stopped everything she was doing and just waited to see what else Alonso might have to say for himself.

“So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, fellatio began in..... It was made popular by the ancient Romans during.... It continues to be a favourite of men throughout....”

After a couple of minutes of this, Rose decided she’d heard enough and the Doctor and Alonso needed to be brought up to date on ‘fellatio’, and why couldn’t they just call it a blow job like everyone else?

“Rose, what are you do...” Rose cut off Alonso by leaning down and taking him into her mouth and sucking, hard. Running her tongue as far as she could along the length of him, she noticed he seemed to be vibrating, almost like… wait, was he still talking?

Releasing Alonso from her mouth, Rose sighed and said, “Really Doctor, any chance you can make him shut up?”

The Doctor just looked incredibly smug. Rose, deciding that wasn’t the best behaviour, glanced down at Alonso who, if she didn’t know better, was about to make some very smart-arsed (-penised?) comment about shutting up. She was not going to let that happen.

Moving so she was straddling the Doctor, she took one last look at the Doctor’s face and then glanced at Alonso, who started to say, “I really think you’d find the rest of this information interesting, Rose.”

Before Alonso even had a chance to get another word out, Rose grabbed him, possibly a little harder than she should have, positioned him at her entrance and sank down onto him. She was just about to start moving when she noticed that strange vibrating seemed to be happening again. Mind you, she decided it wasn’t half bad. Actually, as she started moving, she decided it was really, really good.

“Well, if ya can’t shut up during sex, at least this way it’s working well for me,” Rose said to the Doctor as she rode him and Alonso to a shattering orgasm.

Falling to the side of the Doctor she glanced at Alonso, who said, “I’m not exactly complaining either.”

* * *


	2. Jack meets Randy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to a Time Lord's hand when it's removed from a Time Lord's body. And then runs into an old friend.

“It had to be you, didn’t it?”

Jack spun around his office trying to figure out where that rather unimpressed statement came from.

“Oh, put the gun down, Jack,” the voice continued. “It’s not going to do you much good. Besides, I’m over here.” 

Jack looked in the direction of the voice and did a double take…

What the last Time Lord (and one specific human) in the universe was the only one to still know, was that appendages removed from a Gallifreyan body gain sentience. When the Doctor’s hand was sliced off in a duel for planet Earth, he wasn’t happy about it. And neither was Randy, which is the name the hand decided on during his long fall to Earth, right before he hit the ground and passed out.

“The hand? The Doctor’s hand is talking to me?” Jack asked. He looked rather thoughtful at the idea of a sentient hand. The Doctor’s sentient hand at that. The ideas he was having were stimulating. Very stimulating, judging by the bulge in his pants. 

“The name’s Randy. And don’t start,” said Randy, sighing in frustration, just before Jack interrupted him by leaning in close to check him out. The first thought to cross Jack’s mind was, ‘He’s a sexy hand’.

“So Randy, that just a name? ‘Cause I’m wondering if there’s a reason you chose it.” Jack winked at Randy.

Randy had to admit, after the frustration in his previous regeneration, the name had a lot to do with how he was feeling. So it was with a flirty (because despite all arguments to the contrary, not even the Doctor was immune to Jack’s charm) tone, Randy asked, “Why, Captain, you trying to pick me up?”

Reaching over, Jack opened the case he’d placed Randy in after he’d found him, and pulled Randy out. Lightly caressing Randy, he said “Absolutely. Did I mention you’re the sexiest hand I’ve seen? And I’ve been looking at mine for a long time now.”

Using the hand that wasn’t holding Randy, Jack undid his fly, freeing his erection, and took a seat. 

If Randy had lips, he would have been licking them upon his first sighting of Jack’s rather impressive cock. As it was, he moved himself down Jack’s chest and stomach to stroke his erection.

“Oh, oh, that’s, that’s good,” groaned Jack, as Randy curled himself around Jack’s shaft and started moving slowly up and down the rather impressive length.

Jack, not having enough patience to let the Doctor’s hand move at the same speed as the Doctor, curled his hand around Randy to encourage him to stroke faster.

“Come on Jack, you have a gorgeous cock. You know you want to come all over me,” said Randy. It only took a minute of such talk for Jack to stiffen and actually come all over Randy. 

Randy shivered, as if in intense pain, or pleasure, before Jack picked him up, licked his palm and said, “You’re the best hand I’ve ever had.”


	3. Alonso and Randy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alonso and Randy reconnect after Randy is 'returned' to the TARDIS.

"No, Jack, what are you doing? JACK! JACK, STOP THAT!!!" In his case beside the Doctor's bed, Randy the spare hand woke up screaming.

Alonso, the Doctor's sentient penis, worrying about his friend, had to ask, "What's wrong, Randy?" 

Randy sighed. "I was thinking back to the time when Jack had me. He just wouldn't stop. He woooouldn't stoooop!"

The Doctor, who between the screaming and talking, had woken up, glanced at Randy in his jar and down at Alonso and sighed. 

"Would you two like some time to reconnect?" he asked them.

Alonso, already standing to attention, did not need to consider his answer. He said to the Doctor, "Aye, bring him up here. I think he needs some support and comfort.”

“Are you sure it’s not you who needs the support, Alonso?” the Doctor asked his chatty penis. He knew Alonso had been missing Rose lately, but despite that, Alonso had been trying to make life easier on him. It’s just that Rose was the only one who could keep Alonso quiet for any length of time.

The Doctor took Randy out of his jar, placed him down next to Alonso, and asked them to talk quietly while he attempted to sleep again. It had been almost a month since he'd had a decent rest.

Randy looked at Alonso and asked, “Do you think it gets any easier? Maybe I’ll forget what Jack did? Or the memories will at least fade right?”

“I don’t know for sure, but maybe it’s time to make some new memories Randy?” Alonso said. He knew it might be hard (a bit like he was) but it might help Randy let go of the past.

Considering what Alonso said, Randy looked closely at him and noticed he didn’t look very comfortable, rather stiff and tense actually. Moving close to Alonso, he ran his little finger down the length of him. He was pleased when Alonso shuddered a little bit.

Alonso, caring about Randy, had to ask, “Are you sure you want to do this?” 

“Yes. It’s the one thing I am sure of,” Randy replied, as he moved closer and wrapped himself around Alonso. Moving up and down the length of Alonso, he felt the tension and stiffness increase more and more. As he heard Alonso gasping and felt him shaking, Randy sped up just enough to encourage him to let go.

“Aaah, oooh, gaaaaaah!” screamed Alonso, startling the Doctor into wakefulness again. Randy let Alonso go and lay down next to him.

The Doctor, looking at them both, decided to clean up after Alonso and leave them together for the night. Alonso, being the caring penis he is, had to ask, “Feeling better Randy?

From just beside Alonso’s base, Randy snuggled in closer and murmured, “Much”.


	4. The Doctor and Brutus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brutus and his Doctor have a discussion about Rose.

“Et tu, Brute? Hugging Rose is wonderful but do you have to be so damn enthusiastic about it?” said the Doctor. “I already have trouble convincing people I’m not a dirty old man.”

“Look, just admit it, you are a dirty old man. You want Rose. I want Rose,” Brutus said to the Doctor. “Well, to be honest, it’s more there’s certain parts of her I really want to get to know.”

The Doctor looked at his opinionated, and often annoyingly, sentient penis and replied, “Yeah, I want Rose, but really, she’s young, sweet and innocent. What could she want with me?”

The Doctor glanced down at Brutus, who was standing out through the open fly of his jeans. Brutus looked frustrated, which the Doctor found odd, given a penis generally shouldn’t be looking that unimpressed about anything. 

But before Brutus had a chance to come up with a reply the Doctor just asked, "And what do ya think she’d want with you?”

It was at this point that the Doctor, sitting there in his room, with his fly open and Brutus out on display (and hoping Rose didn’t drop by), decided he never wanted to see an offended penis again. 

Especially if it was his and he was the one who’d offended it. Brutus looked rather like he might spit in his eye.

Attempting to head Brutus off before starting a war, the Doctor raised his hands and said, “Look, I’m sorry. We both want her and it's hard on both of us.”

“OI!” snapped Brutus. “Don’t think I didn’t catch that dig at me. You’re responsible for this mess, ya know. Ya could at least do something about it. Not like I have a spare hand around here to help me.”

With a brief thought to how handy that spare would be, the Doctor figured he really should help Brutus out. Besides, as things currently stood, there was no way he’d be able to get his jeans back on properly otherwise.

The Doctor fell backwards onto his bed and lay there for a moment before reaching down to lightly stroke Brutus. While it was helping to relieve a bit of the pressure Brutus was experiencing, it wasn’t enough to really help.

“Come on, how ‘bout a bit more? I’d like to get off before you regenerate from old age,” Brutus said just before the Doctor closed his fist around him.

Knowing it would help both of them; the Doctor started talking to Brutus. “Just imagine that Rose wants us both” and moving his hand faster. “And she wants us enough to take you in her mouth.”

The Doctor’s hand moving up and down Brutus’ length with more speed and pressure caused Brutus to let out a loud groan. “MoooOOOoore.”

“Just imagine her sucking, and that tongue of hers, can you imagine what it could do to you?” the Doctor asked Brutus before the fantasies running through his rather impressive mind managed to stop him talking.

It was only a matter of moments, some strong strokes and a few loud moans before the Doctor groaned out, “Roooossse” as Brutus came, All over the Doctor’s clean jumper.

As Brutus relaxed, the Doctor said, “Don’t think I forgot what ya said.”


	5. Lord and Master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Master and his Lord have an interesting conversation with a captive audience.

The Master looked down at his sentient penis and considered how it looked these days. Not much different from when he was in his first incarnation, actually. That was good.

“You know, if you’re going to keep looking at me like that, the least you could do is make it worth waking me up,” his penis said as it started feeling a bit stiff.

“Well, my Lord, I’m sure I can do something about that. But let me ask, should we talk to our new guest first?” the Master asked.

If a penis could look thoughtful, the Master’s did. For about half a second. Then it said, “I think we should go visit the Doctor. Hope he’s got a better name for his cock this time round. Last time it was Alpha. I mean really? Where’s the originality?”

The Master couldn’t help but nod in agreement. “There was no fun to be had in that.”

Walking into the main room of the Valiant, the Master looked at the rather ancient looking Doctor in his wheelchair, waved everyone out and suddenly had a flash he didn’t want. Hopefully the Doctor’s penis wasn’t as badly affected as the rest of him was.

“Ahh, Doc, have you been waiting on your new Lord and Master?”

The Doctor looked him up and down, noticed the way the Master was fiddling with his crotch and sighed. “Seriously, has no one ever told you that the name Master is a psychologist’s wet dream? And yours too, from the looks of it.”

Smirking at the Doctor, the Master just opened his fly and dropped his pants. Given he went commando; this meant his rather aroused and opinionated penis was eye to eye with the Doctor.

“Well, Doctor, meet Lord. Right now, he’s in charge,” the Master said.

“Knowing you, he’s probably always in charge. ‘Cause I’m betting you haven’t even noticed you’ve been stroking him since you took your trousers off,” said the Doctor.

Looking at Lord, the Master noticed he was stroking him; but not wanting to give the Doctor the satisfaction of being right, he just tightened his grip and started stroking faster.

“In the near future, Doctor, I’m going to have to meet your cock again. I do wonder what it’s called this time around,” the Master said, getting closer and closer to coming. The Doctor looked rather embarrassed as he remembered their last encounter. Blushing furiously the Doctor tried to come up with a reply, but failed and sat there trying (and failing) not to look at Lord being pumped furiously by the Master.

“Oh, Looord!” The Master said as Lord finally came, much to his pleasure, all over the Doctor’s face.

“You know Lord, you probably should have gone with a different name,” the Doctor said as he wiped his face clean.

The Master glanced at Lord, then the Doctor, and asked, “Oh, and what name is that?”

The Doctor smirked at the Master and Lord, and with a smug grin he said, “Bator."


	6. Donna meets the New Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just after the metacrisis Donna has an interesting conversation with the new Doctor.

After being stuck on the TARDIS, for some damn reason, the last thing Donna expected to see was another person. Another person who appeared to be growing from a hand. A hand that just so happened to be the Doctor’s handy spare hand, Randy (and no, she really didn’t want to explain the circumstances surrounding her introduction to Randy. It was something that made travelling through space and time seem perfectly pedestrian).  
  
Donna really wasn’t sure if it was a good sign or bad that this person appeared to be a copy of the Doctor.   
  
Naked.  
  
“It's you...!”  
  
How else should one react to that, Donna thought, it was like seeing a new brother pop up naked.  
  
The new Doctor just replied with that familiar enthusiasm, “OH YES!”  
  
Pointing out something she thought he might not have noticed yet, “You're naked!”  
  
“Oh, yes!”   
  
Admittedly, as uncomfortable as the situation was, she was coping rather well.   
  
Until the moment she heard a Scottish accent. From his groin.  
  
“Oh that’s disgusting. Do you realise you only have one heart?” the Scottish voice asked.  
  
Donna looked at the new Doctor, slightly worried as he said “Oh, that’s just  _wizard_! And do I sound like Donna to you?”   
  
“OI!!”  
  
The Scottish accent replied, “Yeah, you do.”  
  
“WHAT is going on?” Donna shouted, wondering why, as far as she could tell, the new Doctor’s genitals seemed to be having a conversation with the new Doctor.  
  
Looking slightly embarrassed, the new Doctor attempted to cover his genitals and looked at Donna and said, “Despite the fact I appear to be part human-- and seriously, how disgusting is that?”  
  
“OI!” Donna shouted. Again.  
  
Ignoring the interruption, looking slightly flustered, he continued, “I apparently kept some Time Lord traits, aside from the genius inherent to my species; I’ve apparently kept the sentient penis.”  
  
Raising an eyebrow, Donna asked sceptically, “Sentient penis? As if you being an overly chatty paper-cut wasn’t enough, now you tell me you’ve got a penis that talks as much as you do?”  
  
“OI!” shouted the newly formed sentient penis. “I do have feelings too. And a name!”  
  
Glancing down, the new Doctor quirked his head to the side and asked, “You do? Is it —“  
  
“Alonso,” the penis replied.  
  
Donna rolled her eyes. “Really?”  
  
And the new Doctor, looking rather frustrated at this stage, rolled his eyes while Alonso muttered, “You know you look like her,” gesturing to Donna, “when you do that.”  
  
The new Doctor just sighed as he stood up and asked his sentient penis, “Really though, you called yourself Alonso, too?”  
  
Alonso appeared to nod in agreement before considering what to do with his odd new existence.  
  
As the new Doctor and Alonso walked off to find clothes, the last thing they heard from Donna was “Wait, Alonso,  _TOO_?”


	7. Alonso and the Girl in the Fire(place)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor is given Alonso's opinion on his behaviour during the events in 18th Century France.

“I'm the Doctor. And I just snogged Madame de Pompadour!” said the Doctor, loudly and, oddly, proudly.  
  
Returning to the space ship, he was feeling rather smug as he wandered off to find Rose and Mickey. Well he was. Until he heard that Scottish accent he associated with quality time on his own. Or with Rose. He liked it best with Rose.  
  
“Feeling good about yourself there?” piped up Alonso, who was sounding remarkably hard for a penis that couldn’t have been much softer if he tried.  
  
“Well, not like you can say you snogged her,” the Doctor said, getting a bit peeved.  
  
Alonso, wishing he could actually detach himself at this stage and smack the Doctor across the face replied, “Why would I want too? Who didn’t she snog back in the 1700’s?”  
  
“But…”  
  
“Superior Time Lord biology aside, you really think I want to deal with the kind of diseases that were common in that time period?”  
  
“We’d have….”  
  
“AND,” Alonso shouted, interrupting. “Do ye think Rose is going to want anything to do with either of us if she finds out?” Alonso asked.  
  
“Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” the Doctor replied.  
  
“Hmph,” was the only reply he got from Alonso, who if he could have, would have turned his back on the Doctor.  
  
 _ **Sometime later….**_  
  
“…There comes a time, Time Lord, when every lonely little boy must learn how to dance,“ Reinette said to the Doctor.  
  
She was unaware of the low comment directed at the Doctor from the direction of his crotch. “Ye already know how to dance.  _Any_  dance. If Rose refuses to have anything to do with _me_  after this, I’m making your life a misery. All of them.”  
  
 _ **A broken mirror later….**_  
  
“THAT’S IT!” Alonso screamed. “STOP IT!”   
  
Reinette, who had been a fraction of a second from snogging the Doctor again, fell over, landing rather ungracefully on her arse. She stared with wide eyes at his crotch.  
  
“Wha.. What was that?” she asked the Doctor.  
  
“Um, weeeeeelll,” the Doctor responded, tugging at his ear.  
  
Alonso knew the idiot he was attached to was oddly infatuated with the French woman and decided to answer for himself. “Ye know, for an apparently brilliant woman, you should probably stick to gardening. Ye took a walk through his memories and all you got was the summary on a story that spans libraries.”  
  
“Alonso, that’s enough,” snapped the Doctor, who was, admittedly, frustrated by the fact that while he was attracted to Reinette certain parts of him were making it rather apparent this wasn’t a unanimous feeling.  
  
Alonso, frustrated with the Doctor and his ability to run from one of the few people who didn’t seem to mind the quirks of Time Lord biology and might actually love him… them… _him_!, said, “No it’s not. Look at her, she’s terrified. Now, 3000 years, and possibly a few galaxies, away is a woman who isn’t terrified and if ye keep this up, is going to hate you. And if she hates you, what hope do I have?"  
  
The Doctor glanced at Reinette who was backing away from them.   
  
“Reinette, you saw I’m not human?” asked the Doctor. Reinette nodded. “Well, Alonso is my penis, who, like all Time Lord genitalia, is sentient.”  
  
“Look lass, you’re pretty enough. But this idiot I’m attached to can try all he likes, but there’s no blood to his brain right now, ‘cause it’s all headed to me, and there’s nothing you can offer that’d make me want to risk his head, or mine, if Rose finds out,” Alonso added.  
  
Reinette looked rather terrified at this announcement. She sat there, skirts all over the place, face pale, and completely unsure what to do (something she hadn’t experienced since the first time she saw a man naked).  
  
“Your, penis. It talks?” she asked in a quiet, nervous voice.  
  
“ _It_  has a name!” Alonso responded, before the Doctor could. “Alonso.”  
  
Rising to her knees and raising a hand towards his crotch, she asked the Doctor, “There is nothing I could do to change Alonso’s mind, my lonely angel?”  
  
The Doctor, looking rather interested, suddenly found out exactly what happens when you anger a sentient penis that, while it may not have arms or legs, happens to sit right next to a zip.  
  
“You even think about it," threatened Alonso, "and I will get myself tangled in the zip and explain to Rose every single little detail of what happened here. And if I’m lucky, when she chops me off you, I’ll still retain my sentience. I’m sure she’d like the company of a friend who knows her so well.”  
  
“But…?”  
  
“And before you try to come up with some ridiculous argument about how wonderful Madame de Pompadour is, I want you to think of three things. One, look at her, she’s terrified. B, think of Rose and four, I will help Rose tell Jackie about why ye deserve a slap."  
  
The Doctor would deny it later, but the sound that came out of his mouth could best be described as “Eep.”  
  
Within minutes, the Doctor had managed to convince Reinette to show him and Alonso the old fireplace, and they were on their way back to Rose.


	8. Idris and the Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The TARDIS is temporarily human and Geronimo and his Doctor have a fascinating conversation with her about the past, present and future.

The TARDIS was human? His magnificent ship was in a body and able to talk to him properly. The Doctor was thinking this was wonderful.

“Oh. Alonso and the wolf-y one get along well!” she said.

Suddenly he decided it wasn’t so wonderful. Especially when she continued.

“Thief! The wolf-y one likes Alonso. Though why does she keep trying to eat him. She does, will do, has done that. And again. And Brutus too! What about Brutus?” the TARDIS asked. 

“Wait. What are you talking about?” the Doctor asked, looking a bit worried.

The TARDIS smiled at him and gleefully said, “All those things that are happening, or will happen, have happened. I remember, know them all! And you asked me to make sure some times aren’t, weren’t, won’t be lost.”

The Doctor, looking a little worried, and possibly slightly turned on, had to ask, “All those things I asked you to record during the times I had with Rose, you still have those, even while you’re in that body?”

“Of course! I still see what is happening and what has and what will and oh, oh, poor Geronimo. He’s going to have it hard,” said the TARDIS. 

“What do you mean? What’s going to happen to Geronimo?” the Doctor asked, worried for Geronimo, who admittedly hadn’t done much in his life. 

The TARDIS looked at him, pity on her face and in her voice as she said, “The Water scares him. He asked, will ask to be small.”

“The Water? Wait you mean it’s partly your fault Geronimo’s less impressive than Brutus or Alonso?” the Doctor asked.

“HEY!” came from the direction of the Doctor’s groin. Geronimo decided he was tired of his input being ignored, the Doctor having neglected him since his arrival. He continued, “Have you met River? I don’t trust that woman, she’s completely crazy and there’s no way you’re taking me near her.”

The Doctor suddenly seemed to get it. “Oh, the Water. She scares you?”

“My poor Thief, you have no idea what is happening, will happen, has happened. Poor Geronimo will be hiding, has hidden, will hide often. Poor little thing.”

“OI, less of the little!” the Doctor said.

Geronimo sighed. “Haven’t you got it yet, I wanted to be little. The TARDIS was nice enough to help me. Weren’t you, Sexy?” This last directed at the TARDIS.

“Of course I was, will be, am happy to help. Oooooooo, why does she keep doing that? Do you like being licked?” the TARDIS asked both the Doctor and Geronimo.

“Sexy, are you watching those recordings again?” the Doctor asked suspiciously.

She smiled and said, “Of course, Geronimo has, will, is asking to see them again. After you see the Water. You really should protect him better.”

Geronimo seemed to wiggle around, poking his head into some places that disturbed the Doctor before he said, “You need pants with a bit more space because I want a better hidey hole than the one currently on offer.”


	9. Rose and her new, new, new Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and her part human Doctor spend some time together.

The first time Rose and her new, new, new Doctor were about to have sex, she was a little worried.

Not for the obvious reasons however.

While most people would assume it had to do with the fact that the man she loved had recently split into two separate people; that actually had little to do with it.

The biggest issue for Rose was wondering if she was going to meet yet another slightly temperamental Time Lord penis. 

The first time she’d slept with the Doctor, back when he wore leather and had big ears, she’d met Brutus, a rather gruff and possessive penis. Not that she’d minded at all. Brutus was very insistent on her forgetting any others. As was his Doctor. And Rose had reaped the benefits of that determination.

When she’d dealt with the regeneration and the next Doctor, and his bad habit of running away when he wasn’t sure what to do, she’d met Alonso, a penis that was very much like his Doctor but with less running. Alonso couldn’t stop talking, though the Scottish accent was a new development and not one Rose ever complained about. 

Rose had learnt that Alonso talking was enough to get her off. And he didn’t even have to be inside her. Though that was often quicker, those vibrations were brilliant.

So, to be honest, how did one prepare for the possibility that your new boyfriend might have a talking penis? 

However between the time the foreplay had started, (Rose surprised and pleased when the Doctor has jumped on her the moment she’d walked in the front door), and the moment when he slowly entered her, there had been no indication his penis had any sentience.

Though she’d never admit it, Rose might have been slightly disappointed by this. For some reason she missed the talking penis that belonged to her Time Lord.

A hard thrust from the Doctor bought her mind back to the present, “What are you thinking about Rose?”

“Just the feel of you inside me, Doctor,” replied Rose, tightening her inner muscles around his cock. Even without the talking, the Doctor knew exactly what to do, so it wasn’t a lie on her part at all.

The Doctor smiled and started thrusting harder and faster into Rose’s tight heat. He’d missed this while she’d been lost to him. And he wasn’t the only one. But that was something to deal with another time.

As she rolled her hips underneath him, Rose asked, “And what are you thinking about Doctor?”

“Just,” thrust, “you,” and, “how tight,” thrust, “you are,” he said.

His words, combined with the rhythm he was setting had Rose falling over the edge in moments, her clenching muscles dragging him over the edge too. She knew she might have imagined it, but Rose thought she felt something familiar in those last moments before orgasm. 

Before she had any chance to ask him, the Doctor dropped forward and collapsed on to Rose, who held him close for a moment.

“So, just how human are you now?” Rose asked after she gathered her breath and lifted the Doctor’s head so she could look him in the eye.

Eyebrow quirked, the Doctor asked, “Mostly human, you know that Rose. So why are you asking?”

Rose felt the Doctor soften inside her and start to pull out as she asked, “Well, you’re the third you I’ve made love to, and for the first time, it hasn’t been interrupted by the overly opinionated voice of your know-it-all penis….”

Before the Doctor could defend either of his previous selves’ penises, or himself, the familiar Scottish accent Rose had long associated with Alonso was heard, “OI! What do ye mean, ‘know-it-all’?”


	10. Rose meets Brutus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose gets acquainted with the Doctor and his opinionated parts.

Breaking away from the breath-stealing kiss she was sharing with the Doctor, Rose looked at him with a cheeky glint in her eye.

“Finally!” said Rose as she took the opportunity to divest the Doctor of his jacket and jumper and leant forward to tease a nipple with her tongue.

After taking a moment to recover from the unexpected assault on his chest, the Doctor helped divest Rose of her hoodie, t-shirt and bra, which gave him time to realise what she’d said. So he had to ask, “Finally what?”

Undoing the Doctor’s belt and fly, much to his relief, Rose looked up at him, grinned and said, “Well, I was beginning to think Time Lords weren’t men.”

“I’ll have ya…” The Doctor was interrupted as Rose, eager to stop him from getting the upper hand, pushed his jeans down and grabbed his erection, stroking firmly, causing the Doctor to lose track of what he was saying.

Once the Doctor managed to get his thoughts under control, he removed her skirt and had her on the bed before she quite realised he was paying attention. Looking down at his cheeky Rose, he said, “I’ll have ya know, I’m all man Rose.”

As he nestled into the area between her thighs and checked to see she was ready, Rose almost jumped off the bed in surprise when she heard her Doctor’s voice, well, if the Doctor growled, say, “All man and now ya can see how impressive Time Lords really are.”

Rose’s eyes opened wide in surprise as she looked down the Doctor’s body to where he had just pushed into her. Looking back up at his face she asked, “Did, did… Did your cock just growl at me?”

Pulling out and thrusting back in, the Doctor, wearing that smug grin Rose was so fond of, just said, “Yeah.”

Before Rose had any real chance to respond, the Doctor started to move, setting up a rhythm of push and pull that had her steadily building towards her orgasm. Rose dragged her fingers down his back, trying to pull him closer and whispered encouragement in his ear. “Doctor, please! More.”

More what, Rose couldn’t say. But if she was to judge by the cocky grin she had just received from the Doctor, he knew exactly what she needed to push her over the edge.

Suddenly Rose was lost in a wave of new sensation as she felt a vibration from deep inside her, one that was moving with each thrust from the Doctor. 

“Is. It. Talking?” Rose said between thrusts, in the brief moments she had enough breath to talk.

“It has a name,” said the Doctor, continuing his steady pace, “Brutus. And good isn’t it?”

“You think you’re so impressive!” Rose managed to say. Though, given what those vibrations were doing to her, she was actually fairly sure she believed him now. It wasn't long before the strong, deep thrusts combined with the vibrations had her coming hard and seeing some brand new stars.

Unable to help it in the face of Rose’s clenching muscles, Brutus and the Doctor followed after her.

Rolling off to Rose’s side, the Doctor stayed silent and just smiled at her. However she heard the Northern growl of Brutus say, “I am so impressive!”

“Oi!” said the Doctor, “I believe you’ll find that was a team effort for my Rose.”

“My Rose!” growled Brutus.

The Doctor glared down at his penis. “She’s mine.”

“Mine!”

“Mine!”

“Mine!”


	11. Geronimo's Best Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dimension jumping Rose runs into the future Doctor and has an interesting conversation with Geronimo.

The Doctor was at a bit of a loss with what to do with himself. The planet he was on was gorgeous, unnamed, and uninhabited, but he was travelling alone so there was no one to enjoy it with.   
  
He did consider dropping by the Ponds unannounced, but Amy and Rory had seemed a little upset the last time he’d wandered into their bedroom without knocking. Actually, the Doctor really could have done without seeing  _that_  himself. And that was why he didn't even think about going to pick up River for a trip. She was starting to suspect the asexual facade he'd developed in this body was just that; a facade.   
  
He wasn't asexual. It was more the fact that Geronimo was rather terrified of River. The Doctor had tried talking to his penis about this fear, but Amy had almost caught that conversation and he was not inclined to discuss the oddest part of Time Lord physiology with Amy. Truth be told, the Doctor was inclined to agree with Geronimo's opinion that River was rather unnerving.  
  
Times like this (and always, if he was honest), the Doctor really missed Rose.   
  
As if he’d sent a message out to the universe, it was then he felt time warp and heard a crack that felt like condensed thunder. The Doctor stopped moving in shock. Everything was screaming that standing right behind him was Rose Tyler. But she couldn’t be, could she?  
  
“Well, I’m not sure where I am,” said that voice he often dreamt about, “but, judging by the clothes, you’re the Doctor.”  
  
He turned in a rush, as the Doctor thought to prove he was delusional. Instead he saw Rose, blue leather jacket and all, standing just a few feet from him. He wasn’t given a chance to say anything however.  
  
“ROSE!!” There was a muffled shout from his groin. “We’ve missed you!”  
  
Rose grinned, an honest-to-goodness Rose Tyler grin, as she walked up to the Doctor and asked, “And who exactly, have we got here?”  
  
Harder than he’d ever been, Geronimo pushed against the Doctor’s pants as he introduced himself to Rose, “I’m Geronimo!”  
  
“Geronimo, huh? Sometimes I wonder about the names you have,” replied Rose as she glanced at the Doctor, who still seemed a little dumbstruck, then lowered her hand to the fly of his pants. “So, Geronimo, do you think the daft alien you’re attached to would mind if we got to know each other?”  
  
As Rose lowered his fly the Doctor was overwhelmed. Between seeing Rose and having the first real erection he’d had in his current body, he struggled to form words.  
  
“Rose!” Good start, he thought, now if he could just… “NYugh!”  
  
His thoughts and words stuttered to an even more complete stop as Rose grasped Geronimo and stroked down his length. Before the Doctor could even consider how this might be a bad idea, he kissed Rose hard and pulled her to the ground as he worked on the zip of her pants.  
  
Luckily for the Doctor, Geronimo was happy to fill the silence. “Rose, Rose! It’s been so long. I’ve missed you. You wouldn’t believe where I’ve had to hide!”  
  
“Hide from…” Rose cut off with a hiss as the Doctor had gotten her fly down, pushed her pants out of the way, and thrust into her wet heat (he figured it was a good way to silence Geronimo too).  
  
For the next few minutes there was no talking, just the noise as flesh met flesh and the accompanying groans of the Doctor and Rose. However, Rose was aware of a certain vibration deep inside. One she associated with a Time Lord’s very talkative penis.   
  
Rose rolled her hips to encourage the Doctor deeper and as she did, she felt a long drawn out vibration that was enough to send her over the edge. The feel of Rose's muscles as they clenched around Geronimo was enough to send the Doctor into orgasm after her.  
  
The Doctor looked down at Rose and tried to think of something to say. After a moment he was still clueless, but, to avoid the need to say anything, rolled to the side of Rose and withdrew from her body.   
  
Before the Doctor had a chance to say anything about how Rose was close to the end of her journey, or he wasn’t the one she was looking for, or even just how much he missed her and wished she was still with him, Geronimo piped up, “Do you think anyone would notice if I hid in Rose til  _she_  went away?”


	12. A Time Lord, his metacrisis, their Rose and problems that may arise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life on the TARDIS with the Doctor, the metacrisis Doctor and Rose. And a few extra parts. Who apparently don't know anything about being quiet.

**Alonso-Too?**

It was an argument that had started after the Time Lord and his metacrisis had finished explaining to Rose that they were both the Doctor and as such, the metacrisis Doctor didn’t need any other name. She just agreed with them, though both Doctors looked a little worried at the smirk she was wearing.  
  
With good reason apparently, as Rose said, “Well, now that’s sorted. So, what about Alonso and…” She owed Donna for this knowledge, “Do I call him Alonso too?”  
  
Rose giggled as she heard a loud, but muffled “Yes!” from one Doctor’s groin and “No!” from the other.   
  
Sentient penises had their uses. Rose’s gamble on the new Doctor having enough Time Lord physiology to retain that quirk had paid off. Now she could go get some sleep without being bothered by either Doctor, Alonso or, as she was currently referring to the new Doctor’s penis, Alonso Too.   
  
As Rose wandered out of the console room she heard the distinct Scottish accent of Alonso say, “Ye cannae be Alonso!”  
  
The response, in a much less Scottish accent, came from the new Doctor’s groin. “Why not? Who am I meant to be? John?”   
  
“Well, ye’re not Alonso. I’m Alonso.”  
  
The new Doctor glared at the old one and asked, “Can’t you reason with him? If we’re going to share "Doctor", why can’t they share "Alonso"?”  
  
The Time Lord glanced at his metacrisis before undoing the clasp of his trousers, unzipping the fly, and letting Alonso out. “What’s wrong with sharing the name?” he asked his frustrated penis.  
  
Glaring at the Doctors, as much as a penis can glare, Alonso said, “It’s me name; if he shares it, how’s Rose going to tell us apart?”  
  
“So it doesn’t matter if she calls both of us Doctor,” said the metacrisis Doctor, gesturing between his twin and himself. “But she needs to able to call you,” pointing at Alonso, then freeing his own penis and pointing at it, “and him different things?”  
  
His penis huffed. “OI! I have a name, since no one asked! It’s Alonso-too.”  
  
“No, you can’t be!” both the Time Lord Doctor and his penis shouted, before Alonso continued, “It’s enough I’ll be sharing Rose with ye, but I’m not sharing me name.”  
  
The metacrisis Doctor, or as he was calling himself, the slightly-human-Doctor, listening to the arguing between his penis, Alonso and the Doctor, realised this argument could continue indefinitely. Or at least until Rose returned. Though, he suspected she wouldn’t reappear for at least six hours, and as far as he was concerned, that was too long to listen to this argument. Luckily for him, he remembered a trick Rose used to find very effective when the Doctor or Alonso wouldn’t shut up.  
  
Before the Time Lord Doctor could register what was happening, his twin was on his knees in front of him, running his tongue along Alonso, then enclosing his mouth around Alonso and sucking. Hard.  
  
The Doctor’s jaw dropped and the only sound that came out was, “Nyeguh.”  
  
Waiting for just the right moment, which happened to be as the Time Lord and his penis were coming, the slightly-human-Doctor’s penis took the opportunity to state, “My name’s Alonso-too!”

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

 

**Who Knows Rose** **Best?**

Things were going brilliantly, Rose thought.   
  
The Doctors had taken a while, but it appeared things were sorted. Things like how this relationship was going to work and the name of the slightly-human-Doctor’s penis.   
  
So she was happy when she woke up from her sleep to find two Doctors sitting on the end of her bed waiting for her to wake up. She was even happier when things progressed to the point where both Doctors were with her on the bed. Naked.  
  
Rose realised things were going to go downhill rather quickly at the point where one Doctor, rather smugly, said, “I’ve known Rose the longest, and know her the best. What she likes. I’m sure I can have her ready quickest.”  
  
“Oi! I have all your, no,  _our_ , memories Space Boy,” said the other Doctor, standing up and glaring. “You can’t pull that on me!”  
  
Before the Doctor could reply, Alonso had to say, “Ye think ye know her the best? I’m the one that’s been the closest.”  
  
This of course led Alonso-too to respond much like his Doctor as he said, “The memory thing worked for us too! I know everything you do!”  
  
“Besides, you only know parts of her well,” said one Doctor to both penises. “I know much more.”  
  
“Doctor! Doctor!” Rose said, sitting up and trying to get the attention of either of them. After having no success there, she tried a different approach, appealing to her Doctors’ penises. “Alonso! Alonso-too?”  
  
Flopping back on the bed, Rose sighed and half listened to the argument that was continuing. It’d been a couple of years without any decent sex… and now? She loved the Doctor, both of them. But now she had to deal with not only two egotistical Time Lords (or close enough, she thought) but their rather smug penises as well. At the rate this argument was going, she’d be better off…   
  
Oh, that would work.   
  
Rose reached over to the bedside table and found exactly what she was looking for, the sonic screwdriver. She had made some good memories with it.   
  
Moving her hands down her body while the Doctors and Alonsos continued arguing, Rose knew she was already wet. She had been since she’d woken up, courtesy of a wonderful dream about her Doctors. Adjusting the settings on the sonic screwdriver and running it over her clit, she sighed. If they were too busy arguing, she’d take care of herself.  
  
After a short couple of minutes' work with her fingers and the sonic screwdriver, her hips arched off the bed and she came, loudly. Rose looked at her Doctors, who at some point had stopped arguing and were just staring at her with their jaws on the floor. Each Alonso stood tall and looked tense.  
  
Rose grinned, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth, and said, “The one who knows me best? Me.”  
  
She was rather happy when all four of them set out to prove her wrong. She never would tell them if they did or not.

 

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

**How to deal with the talkativ** **e** **Parts**

It had been a couple of days since Rose had decided to take matters into her own hands. Since then she had realised one thing. If she thought one Doctor talked too much during sex, two were enough to drive her completely insane.   
  
When you added another two talkative members to the sex, because Alonso and Alonso-too were just as chatty as the Time Lords they were attached too…well, Rose’s problem became obvious. It was with this in mind that she convinced the TARDIS to make a couple of alterations to their bed. She needed to be able to stop both Doctors from moving.   
  
So, that’s why today Rose was standing at the end of the bed, looking down at her Doctors, both tied to the head board. And gagged. As far as she was concerned, that was the most important part.  
  
Of course, that much-loved Scottish accent of Alonso had asked, “Is this really needed, Rose?”   
  
“It’s enough that I’ll still have you and Alonso-too talking too much,” said Rose as she kneeled in the middle of the bed, straddling a leg of each Doctor. “Sometimes a girl likes to be able to get a word in.”  
  
“I’ve got some ideas of where I’d like to get in,” Alonso-too said.   
  
Apparently some penises lacked subtlety and romance. Rose wasn’t surprised. Nor were Alonso or his Doctor apparently, judging by the eye roll. The slightly-human-Doctor just looked kind of smug. This needed to change.   
  
Leaning over, close enough for her warm breath to pass over Alonso-too, Rose looked directly at the Time Lord and said, “Keep the gag on and I’ll untie you.”  
  
The Doctor nodded eagerly as lust flashed through his eyes. Rose reached over and undid the ties that had him bound. He practically jumped up, but when Rose gestured that he sit near her on the bed he wasn’t going to argue.   
  
Alonso-too, speaking for himself and the slightly-human-Doctor had to ask, “What’re you two uh…”  
  
He was cut off as Rose’s mouth enclosed him and she started sucking hard enough to silence him at last. And what was her tongue doing? She’d never done that before, and please, please, don’t let her stop!  
  
“That’ll teach ye!” said Alonso from somewhere nearby, sounding like he was smirking. The Time Lord beside Rose reached down to play with the slightly-human-Doctor’s balls and saw his counterpart's eyes open in shock and, if possible, more lust.   
  
It had only been a few moments of Rose focussing on Alonso-too before she heard Alonso say “That’s enough, aye? The rest of us could use some attention.”  
  
Letting Alonso-too out of her mouth, Rose rested back on her heels and reached behind her for Alonso. Stroking him, she said, “Anyone would think you’re jealous.”  
  
“I’m no…” Rose twisted her hand, “…uh, such thi…” as she let her fingers glide over his tip, “…thing!” said Alonso. Rather unconvincingly.   
  
The Doctor however, managed to control himself enough to reach between Rose’s legs and brush over her clit. As he ran his fingers down to her entrance, Rose got the feeling she was being warned about teasing. Just as she grasped Alonso tighter, the Doctor plunged his fingers into her, causing her to buck against his hand.  
  
Suddenly there was a chuckle from below Rose as Alonso-too said to his counterpart, “Look at that, it works on her too.”  
  
Rose smacked the Doctor’s hand away and glared down at the penis below her as she said, “Keep that up and all you'll be doing today is watching.”  
  
Before either Alonso or Alonso-too had a chance comment, Rose took the opportunity to line Alonso-too up with her entrance and sank down onto him. She moved up and down slowly a couple of times before she heard a groan from behind her. Rose glanced over her shoulder at the Time Lord and noticed his, and Alonso’s focus. It certainly wasn’t on her face.   
  
“Getting some ideas there?” Rose asked Alonso, who looked as thoughtful as a penis could.  
  
“Oh yes!” replied Alonso as his Time Lord rummaged around beside the bed, picking up some lube.   
  
The Doctor slid up behind Rose, who had started slowly moving again, much to the relief of the slightly-human-Doctor on the bed. His twin looked like he was about to explode and then looked rather upset (and did Rose just feel the vibrations that suggested Alonso-too was talking again?) when Rose stilled again as the Doctor behind her gently pushed her shoulder forward and started preparing her to take him as well.  
  
Alonso was quivering with excitement as he said, “I have nae been in there yet!”  
  
At that, Rose rolled her eyes. Until the Doctor beneath her rolled his hips and her eyes slammed shut instead. He kept up a slow roll of his hips while the Doctor behind her slicked Alonso with lube and got ready to enter her.   
  
“You can take the gags out now. With only two of you able to talk, I think I can handle it,” said Rose, and just as the Doctor slowly pushed into her from behind she heard Alonso briefly before he was silenced.  
  
Leaning across Rose’s back and moving her closer towards her slightly-human-Doctor, the Time Lord took his own gag out and growled in Rose’s ear, “Are you implying we talk too much, Rose?”  
  
Rose gasped as he gave a short thrust. The Doctor below her smirked around his gag just before his twin pulled his gag down, freeing him to say, “I don’t know what you mean Rose, we don’t talk tha….”  
  
He was cut off as Rose crashed her lips into his and rolled her hips enough to give them an idea they should continue. Both Doctors started moving, thrusting slowly and carefully, timing it so one was pulling out as the other thrust in. Rose and her slightly-human-Doctor continued to kiss up until the moment she noticed the vibrations inside her. Both front and back.   
  
Were Alonso and Alonso-too  _talking_? While they were both inside her?  
  
She broke from the kiss as the vibrations started getting more intense, causing her to gasp and her internal muscles to start clenching.   
  
What pushed her over the edge into a mind-blowing orgasm was the sight of the Time Lord leaning down to snog the Doctor below her. She practically screamed as her muscles tensed up and clenched around the still vibrating cocks inside her.  
  
Her orgasm caused Alonso-too and the slightly-human-Doctor to come with a triumphant “Rooooose!”   
  
The Doctor behind her started moving faster as Alonso continued talking (or in a brief moment of sanity, Rose suspected, humming), as Rose’s muscles continued to clench around him until he thrust in hard, one last time and came with a loud groan.   
  
Before the Doctor and Alonso pulled out of Rose, the Time Lord reached up and let his double out of the binds. As both Doctors and Alonsos withdrew from Rose, she fell onto her side on the bed, feeling rather satisfied and comfy.  
  
Of course Rose was not in the least bit surprised that the last thing she heard before she fell asleep was Alonso-too telling Alonso, “Next time, I get to be in your place!”


End file.
